Suffocating.

Heylo blog! I hope you had miss me cos I really did and I just can't find a time to pen down my thoughts and tonight seems so right for me to do so. I guess this shall be a long one so... here goes!

There is so many things happening in my life and so many thoughts to say that I don't know where to start from so I'll just randomly start somewhere. Few days back I went out with cheng, and we were just talking there about what's been in our mind. Her talking about her studies and me about relationship. There is this one sentence that she said, I felt so thankful to her. "As your good friend, just know that whatever I do for you is for the best of you." I felt so touched at that point in time. :') I wish I can help her about her studies but I am at no wits because right now I'm struggling with mine too.

I don't wanna face school. There is so many things going on in my mind which I just feeling like shutting off everytime I think about school and it's killing me and ripping my soul inside out. I just wanna go somewhere where I can be forgotten so no one is there to bother about me not going school. I wanna sleep, forever. I have even come to a point to even thinking of dropping out to pursue my dream as air stewardess. Oh god why. I hope this shit doesn't cling on me long.

Talking about air stewardess. Everyone knows that if you're in a relationship and either party are working in the airline is tough for the relationship. And yes in the blink of an eye, I'm already single for a month. Of course who doesn't want the extra love someone gives? But the thought that if I really be an air stewardess, what will happen to my boyfriend? Which is why I'm hoping to be single as long as I can so I won't worry about all this. I shall make do with the love my friends give. :)

Just earlier today I was talking to cheng(again hahaha) about family and life. Sudden thought came into me. Everyone is growing up day by day and everyone have different lives leading on. It is scary to even think that we are all so busy that we lead our lives and stop meeting each other 3 years down the road. Everyone will be so busy, so busy that time doesn't allow us to have those usual night fooling around. I'm so afraid I have no one to turn to years down the road. Even by next year, that cheng moves out of Ubi, what am I gonna do? Her house is everything for us. From meeting point to refugee camp(or so I say) for us to stayover. What's gonna happen to all these? :'( Halppppppp. Sometime I really wish that I'd knew these bunch of lovely friends earlier. What have I been doing all these while? I don't want to lose them years down the road. Hais.

And.... the rain just poured. So nice for a cuddle right now. Shall do so with my bolster. :) I am so sorry for the wordy post but I guess these are the words that's keeping in me for real long. All the nice movies are coming out one after another and I'm going real broke soon. Save me. The Heat and White House Down in a week. Not forgetting Despicable Me 2 :( okay I shall shut up. So many words, I discount give one photo of me. Here it is

I have no recent photo of myself in my laptop so here is one. THROWBACK 2008 WHEN I WAS SECONDARY 2. Tadah. Someone really liked this photo. Heehee. Ok bai I love u all <3

I tried..

Heya. Back. One week past.. which also means one week of holidays just past too. I am always being told that I'm stronger than I what I think. I also thought that way too. But I guess things just doesn't always go your way. Never without fail, every single day, every single moment I think of you. I can't stop. I have thoughts all in my head. I wish you are still here. I wanna do those things that I have done with you all over again. Even today afternoon, I got woken up in my dream. I was crying inside and yes I woke up with tears. I dreamt of you. This is not the first.. I wish I am really stronger than this.

Now that I'm alone for the second week of holidays, I don't know what to do. Dearest Cheng that was always there now in Aussie having fun, Ronald serving the nation and Lin Gang miles away back at China. Gladly caught up with Cheng after a few days of not seeing her on Friday before she flies off. Was just casually talking about you and I just cry infront of her. I was shocked at myself. I was saying to her... I don't know if I feel sad is because I'm unlucky to love you or that I'm upset for you and for us. Many times I wish that you didn't give up on us. Because no matter what you did to disappoint me I'll still love you.

I still hope to receive a text from you saying you're outside my house, or just giving me a text saying that you miss me a lot. Or even a random word,"Call?" I don't even know why I'm hoping. Feeling so miserable inside I don't even know when I've lost myself. Even by going back to places that we had memories at makes me feel so hurt. Just like just now, going feifei with Noah. Reminds me of you. Countless times I have the urge of just calling or messaging you and say something like,"I never once stopped loving you." or "I have always miss you." or even now that Man Of Steel has aired and I know you wanna watch. I wanna ask you out for a movie. But at the current situation that I'm in, I can't bring myself to. I can't even look at you and remind myself that,"We're already long over." All that's coming to me is just hoping for something that will not come. I feel so hopeless.

This is me that other people could not see when they are with me. But every single moment, I do think of you. I am sorry. I am not strong than I seems to be. Maybe all that's happening is what menses doing to me but they are never wrong. Sucks to be me. :'(

You were a part of me.

Officially back to single life. Things ended of better than I expected. I thank that I once had you. And yes, I tried my best but not everytime you try, you get something in return yeah? Friends are better off now. If there is any chance again in the future, then it is for the future to know. You said, "If there is a will, there is a way." Who knows by then I have someone else who is willing to love me whole-heartedly, or you found a girl that triggers you to try. But whatever it is, I wish you all the best. And that you are still that fucker who loves to get scolded from me.

Went for supper with bro and he feels that I have not met a guy that truly loves me. I guess.... I'm just down on luck. Ohhhhhkay..... short blog entry about the life now and yes holidays just started and I'm already planning lots of getaways with my girls!!! And... I guess no matter how short we're together before I should at least showcase your face here but eh... prolly not now since my phone is away from me pfft.

Went of 1 hour break on dota with junlin and totally wasting my time. Pfft... it is 4 but I feel like there is nothing for me to do now that I'm single and not obliged to talk to anyone on the phone right now. I must say it will be something I will miss. Phone calls. Late night phone calls. I miss you.

I felt okay earlier on though. But now that I'm left alone at the living room.. it suddenly feels empty. Yes, I miss you, and I loved you. I am not gonna say that I stopped loving you but seeing you leading a life that you truly wanted without any restrictions is what I can only do to see you happy. You were a part of me. Thanks for being there when I needed someone. I know we will still be good friends. I love you.

Let the new chapter begins.

What to do?

Sorry blog. Neglected you again.. and yes, back to seek comfort by writing down. Got attached a week ago but I guess it's gonna blow off soon. Idk what to do to save it.. Feeling like shit now. Talked to Jesh and she just kept telling me that he is not the one. And blowing off so fast just shows that we are not suited for each other. I wanna tell myself that too, just to make myself feel better. But the thought of not having a shoulder to lie on anymore and a kiss before I leave, a hug after a long day in school and jumping into his chest, holding hands and walking through the path under the moonlight.. I really really... wish that he is the one.

This is where the stubborn side of me coming in.. don't wanna let go. No matter how I feel that things are not working out. I just don't want to lose you. I don't want to go back to just friends with you but I really want to spend my life with you. Looking at myself every night, thinking why did I become like this? How can such a sweet little young girl that was all over love, so so innocent and can't bear to be angry at the person turns to be a person that have anger management issues and starts raging? Where was the old me that was full of patience and love? Don't recall when I lose it.

Stopped losing trust, hope and expectations in relationships. Probably all these is what made to be what I am now. For the dearest boy, you know I still love you. I know our differences are big. I will try to be the better me.. can you just not give up for once? I don't wanna lose you... just yet.....

心很痛。宝贝，我爱你。对不起，我不是你想要的那个人。

Eyes tearing, heart ripping.

Alive.

Hello! Been neglecting my blog for a month.. so sorry! They say when you're happy, you take for granted and stop penning down those moments. And yes I took for granted, because I know those memories will stay in my heart.

Some update on my life! It's already apr 7. Few more weeks and school is gonna start. No time for work at all. Thus skip working for this holidays and spending time with my lovelies. Decided to blog now because tw went to sleep already and hmm.. I still got time to spare before bedtime so just thought coming here to update a lil'. Currently @ Michie Teng's crib and she just head to sleep so time to myself. Girl now relying on people so badly because of heartbreak thus staying over here for 3 nights straight. Mum went overseas too so I guess my presence at home doesn't make a difference too O_o

Starting from my progression in school.. gonna stay till 4.2. Initially sad, cried, hated myself. But after talking to friends around me, this also give me a chance to pull my gpa up and also stretching my timetable more. Heh. Don't mind though since I don't have to go army. Dream of being a flight attendant shall wait!! I'll come!! :D Projects will be taken with my freshies though.. Dk all of them omg hahaha..... -_- I have companion though. Lin gang and tw HAHAHA year 4 leggo.

Relationship wise.. yeah nowadays I have tw around me. Not using him as rebound but we have something that only we know, hor? *winkwink* Although yes heartache sometimes when I see bus 15 pass and it just remind me of heading over his house after school. Thought of being friends with him, guess it's not gonna come true.. maybe not now.. maybe in the future.. idk. Let time decide.

Went out with Mich and tw today to Miyoc sales at Woodlands! Traveled half of singapore today already hahaha. Ate dinner at Causeway Point hahaha. Talked a lot of bullshit with tw I don't even.. This guy said something to me. He say he like it when I'm retarded. I seriously have no idea whether I'm supposed to take it as a compliment or an insult. But oh well at least being retarded make people smile. So I shall take it as a compliment. Feeling real sad for Mich. Have no idea what to do except for staying by her side and be her shoulders whenever she needs one. I love you girl jiayou!

The post is so wordy so hmm some pictures for you! :)

#TGIW last week at Zouk! Pretty photobooth matchy matchy with my hair colour ^_^

And some webcam toy again when Mich is over at my house and sleeping hah

Ok that's all, till then. Byebye! <3 :)

Ready.

Hellooooo!

So many things to write about but hmm only will say what's in my mind now haha. P3 is really killing me. Classmates are all producing their plans well and all and I don't even have one. Monday critic I wonder how I can survive... oh well.... supposed to go school today to do work(yes on a Saturday), but because I only got home at 7am today so I decided to sleep sigh.. Just woke up not long though.

Went Avalon last night with le peeps and the crowd was shit, music was also quite shit -_- Saw many familiar faces, said hi to a few. Was at Spider Room.. many desperate guys looking for girls hahaha so fun to judge people. Not fun at all pfft. But on a whole at least he kept his promise to go with me! Haha.

These few days quite unlucky blah. First bumping into wj at such ungodly hour omw back school. Pls use a better word on me sigh. Secondly, I dropped Danny's 20 bux I have no idea why... and then thirdly I wanted to top up my card, one machine tell me 'Out of Service', and the other tells me 'Coins and Nets only'. Tmd I didn't bring out my nets card... so I had to walk all the way to the opposite. Le suay.

Had to help tw to settle Nerissa.. I wonder if I got cursed. I'm serious okay!! I mean like if she can do certain things for tw why not? Need to help tw clean his ass by faking that we're dating but turns out we don't need to but she won't know either. Feels so sorry to fake this but if you love someone.. let him go.. right? I wish I still can be friends with you. Hmm -_-

Anw as for my feelings for wj.. no doubt sometimes will still think that 'Why must we turn out like that?' But if I am deem as not the one for him, there is also nothing I can do. Want to be friends with him but Idk how? Idk if I can look at him as a friend yet. I will eventually, just like how I am friends with V and Jamuel. But everything takes time. Unblocked on steam. Yeah I know he blocked me too. No matter how I felt that he shouldn't but I guess it is just tit for tat? Haha. If I'm willing to unblock, I hope I will see him online someday. Then maybe slowly slowly we can be friends again. No idea how long it will take but at least we start somewhere. If he were to have a new girl, good for her and hope she will be the one for him. :) If not, then all the best to his life in year3.

Orightie off to watch shows. And yes I'd watch One Piece Film Z movie ytd it was real good!!! :) Hoyeahhhhhh One Piece ftfw.

No worries.

Hello. It's finally Saturday! Which means I finally have time for myself, for sleep, for game! Haha. Simon doesn't let me play games. Even fb game. I'm being quite good hor. I can don't dota and all but fb -_- simonnnnn ahhhhh. Guess he's just worry because I have double module next block too :( oh and yes!! Commda finally ended!! Stupid Carol! :D

Okay anw. Went to school in the morning ytd supposedly to consult Simon but he wasn't there when I reached so I was rushing my report for commda. Went to dabao mac over to Jesh's house to eat and bravo Jesh tell me the number of stops to alight is wrong so I stopped a stop earlier. Thanks Jesh. Thanks. Made me walk under the hot sun.... Reached and speed eat my food, left house to meet Vivian and Chris at Paya Lebar. Took shuttle bus to i12 and walked over to our site at Joo Chiat.

Measure and all, accompanied Vivian and Jesh to do manicure and then Vivian left somewhere. 3 of us went to eat Fei fei wanton! Hahaha laugh like mad forget what we were even talking about but it was really hilarious. Talking about everything. Then walked to i12 to take 14 to peranakan museum! Bus was filled with weird ppl.... like school excursion and all at the top deck wtf. Alighted a stop earlier thanks to Jesh agn. Wtf that burden. Then walk wrong direction....... -_- reached peranakan museum! Walked for 1 hour + took photos regarding our p3.

Walked over to Raffles city shopping mall, cup of tall Java chip frap and lepak until 10. :) Took train home with Jesh and alighted at Paya Lebar. Walked all the way to haig road to meet Nerissa and peeps. Need to help her with filming again and the script is insanely hard @_@ anywayz free day today gonna rest my day off. Hehe.

So much of talking about how my day went and not my feelings. Been really good recently. But I know if I were to bump into him on the street I wouldn't know what to do. Once a person so close to me that I could cuddle and snuggle with have to end up with being strangers on the street. Things will get better. :) If you have a new girl, good for you. Don't treat her like how you treat me.

Baiz.